In my last couple entries I have covered two of the three key mindsets that adults gravitate towards as they develop.  In doing so I have highlighted the fundamental belief systems that drive these mindsets, looked at these orientations at their worst and best as well as shined the light on how one with those orientations can direct their development towards higher and more effective expressions.  In this entry we will explore “The Relater“.

For The Relater – being liked and admired is everything. They can work very hard to bend into the type of person others want them to be.  They can very much become chameleons – constantly adjusting to the environment so that they comply.  Their great value is that they can reduce conflict, keep the organization’s eye on people issues and are strong at building teaming environments.  In their most reactive stance they are very compliant and the tool they use to achieve power is passive aggressiveness.  Bob Anderson’s research has shown that compliance is one of the most destructive behaviors to organizational performance ¹.  Why would this be so?  Because at the compliant stage The Relater has a difficult time prioritizing.  They want to please – it is hard for them to say no.  Even if they are effective technically – because they have difficulty saying no – they tend not to achieve much or tend to prioritize tasks based on those they most want approval from versus what is most important based on the organization’s key priorities.

The Relaters Fundamental Beliefs include the following ²

• I am okay if I am liked.
• If I belong I am valuable.
• I gain power by becoming the right hand of those in power.
• I will do most anything to be admired by others.
• I seek approval by saying yes.
• I avoid sharing my feelings because I do not want to be judged harshly – it feels dangerous to do so.
• I want to maintain loyalty and harmony – I go along to get along

Most people will like the Relater because they tend to be fun to be around.  They can also be the life of the party and can be quite charming.  A great metaphor for The Relater is “water” – just as water forms around the objects it connects with – Relaters do the same thing.  Again, the downside of this comes when a Relater becomes very compliant and passive aggressive.  They live in a paradox.  On one hand they want to please others yet when they realize they are not getting their own needs met they tend to figure a way to manipulate things to get their way.  They may hold an internal belief that “I demonstrate how I support everyone else’s needs but when it comes to me – I don’t feel taken care of.  Therefore – I have to take care of myself.”  This belief can lead to a high level of resentment.  At it’s worst it can even lead to intense addictive behaviors.

Relaters at Their Worst

At their worst relaters are very wishy washy people.  While they are people persons – they have little backbone for standing up for themselves or others.  They may become so compliant that they become door mats for a highly reactive, high controlling achievers and easy targets for the criticism of highly reactive intellectuals.  Highly reactive relaters can be hard to be around because of their neediness.  In addition, if they find what appears to be a sympathetic ear – they can go into along winded litany about all that is wrong with the world.   If they are disapproved of in any way they can become sullen and depressed. Losing an important relationship is a death for them which they can mourn for a long time.  They can tend to either over react to any disrespect they receive or hold it in and respond in passive aggressive ways (i.e. not getting things done on time – complaining they did not have what they needed or even going so far as to sabotage results).  At their very worst they can be manipulative to get their way and can disintegrate into self-destructive behaviors.

Relaters at Their Best

Ultimately at their best – relaters are a joy to have around.  They can be focused on what is most important and serve to bring others on board with regard to the vision and priorities.  As they embrace their more creative selves – they can be key to building high performing environments where people accept ownership for the results.  Relaters have a great sense of humor and timing for using it.  They can lighten up an intense atmosphere that opens people up to new ways of looking at things.  Once they are focused they use their innate interpersonal style to influence others and keep the team focused on what is most important.  They can become excellent coaches and mentors because they truly care about the development of others and understand the direct link between people’s fulfillment and their performance.  With focus they can become truly caring leaders who are laser focused on the right priorities.

The Relaters Development Path

In short, Relaters must find focus.  The key is getting them to stop looking outside for permission and find an inner purpose they deeply want to serve,  In order to be more bold they must have this anchor while letting go of the need to please and tendency to hang back.  There can be a tendency for a relater swing from bending over backwards to preaching from their soap box.  Relaters must see that both of these behaviors hurt their influence with others.  They need to leverage their strength which is to come from passion and direct it towards an outcome that they and the organization values.  From this they will gain discrimination around what to say yes to and learn to say no.  They must also learn to be more direct in their requests for what they need even if it means they will be turned down.  Once they get they embody these lessons they will become a very powerful influencer in the organization.

Key Leadership Developmental Strategies for the Relate

Provide Caring But Direct Feedback Around Achievement

Once you find out what the relater cares about you can use this as context for feedback.  Give them insights into why they are not perceived as great achievers. Provide them with the space to consider what they really care about.

Help them Find an Inner Purpose

Relaters tend to focus on the outside and only notice their inner needs when they are not met on a consistent basis.  Similar to the Intellectual – help the relater to find something inside they care about that allows them to discern the important from the unimportant.  Help them to realize that serving something higher than being liked will enable them to actually gain recognition for true achievement.

Help Them See the Power of Requests

Relaters can fear making requests and tend to hide in their resentment for not having their needs met.  Therefore it is important for them to understand how powerful requests are and that their ability to be more bold in making them will give them the power and respect they desire.  Again, the key is for The Relater to align with some inner purpose they care so much about that they are willing to go through the discomfort of making more bold requests.  Over time when they see the power of making effecitve requests they will become more comfortable and become a powerful influence in the organization.

Encourage Them to Integrate Their Natural Abilities to Support People Initiatives

Relaters can become powerful champions for others, collaboration and teaming.  Given this is a strength of theirs put them in situations where they can leverage it.  Maybe they become the lead executive on your “Best Place to Work” strategy or how to enliven and integrate the corporate values in how we work together to achieve results.

Assist Them with Planning and Time Management

While not all relaters have issues here – the more extroverted ones do.  They tend to be the most distracted and have the most difficult time focusing.  Once they are connected with a sense of purpose and understand how their key organizational priorities support this – help them stay focused by showing them the value of organizing their focus and building a structure that allows them to be more consistent in taking actions around what is most important.

These are but a few things you can do to coach the relater and aid them in rising to more effective leadership.  Again, the key with all orientations is to lift them up to their best.  The most effective way to develop an executive leader is by helping them build upon their strengths so that they come to lead through their most authentic and natural style.  Yet, as I have mentioned each of the mindset’s perceived weaknesses can be transformed into effective leadership behaviors.

• The Achiever’s need to control can be transformed into visionary leadership that is quite inspirational
• The Intellectuals’ need to be right can be molded into to a skill supports innovation and sustainable productivity
• The Relater’s need to be liked (as we will address in this entry) can be developed into becoming a consummate mentor, team leader and influencer.

As with all other mindsets – the key to development is to recognize the personal value and organizational value inherent in expanding your impact as a human being and leader.

Read the following entry that brings this series to conclusion.

Tags: development tips, executive development, Leadership Development

This entry was posted on Friday, September 4th, 2009 at 4:12 pm and is filed under Executive Engagement, Leadership Development. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.